So with this in mind we were willing to look at anything to get a feel for the market. When we managed to find a place, the estate agent did mention it was a “doer upper”. We looked for the penthouse apartment but he said it was gone unfortunately. We started to worry when he stressed how much we shouldn’t be put off by first impressions and that it was all about location, location, location. Things were looking more ominous when he gave us a hard hat and a high vis going in………….

On a slighly more serious note, we were fortunate that we found a place relatively quickly and without too much hassle. Its basically half of one floor of a villa, about 15 mins outside the city centre. It doesn’t have a pool but we do get our own private balcony. I’d love to say that we plan to use this as an outdoor gym area but we are currently in the process of rooting out a BBQ big enough to cook whole cows and an outdoor wine/beer cooler!!

The maintenace guys actually had to build walls to divide the floor in two so we got to “brown” them into doing things the way we wanted. So while Carol toiled away in the office, I got to follow a team of Indian guys around the villa with request after request after request. Some things got done with a, “yes sir, I do believe that is ok.” I always knew when things were not going to get done when the lads would all look at each other, heads bobbing away like a mantle piece full of bobble head Rays, before somebody would eventually step up and tell me “I am thinking that is not very possible sir”!! I think we won more battles than we lost over the few weeks. Having said that the balcony door is still off the hinges and lying in the sitting room floor so I won’t count my chickens just yet.

Not that we are too worried about burglars, there can’t be too many lads out there willing to lose a hand for our 4 euro toaster!! Over here reminds me of the stories my grandmother used to tell of the “good auld days” in Ireland when you could head off for the day and leave the back door open and nobody would take as much as a bit of bread from the pantry!! Alas for my granny, Ireland was then taken over with, and I quote, “murderers and homme- o- sexuals”!!! I would like to distance myself from the suggestion that murderers and homosexuals are on a par at this time, I’ll leave that to my granny and Jan Moir!!

Though it is nice to live in a country where leaving the car unlocked with the keys in it and coming back to it still being there is practically guaranteed. Apart from the extortionate property prices and a few dodgy taxi drivers, practically frothing at mouth when Carol gets in, we have seen nothing to suggest that crime even exists out here.

So we have moved in to the apartment with nothing only a bed and some bedroom furniture. Our balcony furniture arrived last night so we at last have somewhere to sit and eat other than the bed. Apartments come completely unfurnished so we have had to kit it out from scratch. Ikea is a life saver!! Though the three week delivery time has left us a bit thin on the ground for furniture at the minute. But its a marathon rather than a sprint and we’ll hopefully have everything we need by Chrstmas, even if it means Carol gets a blender from me, which in turn should guarantee that I get a frying pan from her……round the side of the head!!!

The other progress we have made is hiring a car and actually driving it. Road rules do not exist out here at all. We live in a land where crossing five lanes of heavy traffic, at high speed, in one movement is not just the actions of a boy racer in a souped up Celica but a required skill to survive on these roads., I believe they teach that particular nugget at driving school right after the “How to blow your horn for 15 minutes at a time” lecture and just before the “Speed texting at 220km per hour” class. It also appears that the road markings were painted on by artists for the admiration of drivers. White lines, zebra crossings and yellow boxes are just fancy road decorations with no other use than to break up the monotony of the black tar. Stopping at a zebra crossing to allow people to cross will only subject you to a barrage of horn blowing from the irate drivers behind. Hesitation of just one milli-second at lights or round-abouts will result in the same manic beeping as will driving at less than 180kph in the fast lane!!

After spending a couple of weeks travelling around in taxi’s and looking at and almost being involved in several accidents it was with great trepidation that we made the decision to brave the roads ourselves! As it turns out it looks a lot worse than it actually is to drive out here. In fact it can be quite a buzz drifting across 4 lanes weaving in between trucks and buses and then getting blown out of it by some local Sheik in a Ferrari for blocking his fast lane!!

Having said that, we are under no illusions that we will escape for long accident free. As Carol was saying over the weekend, “Oh, I’m dreading my first accident”!!! Its a bit like Christmas really, great fun at the time but you know the credit card bill is coming in January!! So here’s hoping, when, not if, it comes, its only a minor one!!

The risk of actually crashing is increased too by the amount of gawking we do at the cars on the roads around us. Having lived during the “Range Rover era” of the last few years in Ireland, you would think we would be used to roads full of fancy cars but the UAE takes it to another level completely. Ferrari’s, Lamborghini’s, Porsches and Maserati’s are as common here as Fiestas, Micras and Corsa’s back home. Cars constantly race each other from one set of lights to the next and it as a spectacle to behold  for the ears as much as the eyes. Though I won’t try and out speed a Buggati Veron again like I did last weekend! Our poor little Yaris was no match for his top speed of 340kph!!! We were left eating dust and trying to spot his tail lights in the distance!!

I won’t mention how the temperatures are dropping down to about 30 degrees celsius considering the weather reports I’ve been hearing from home!! We’ve been here 46 days now and have yet to see a drop of rain. I got a bit excited the other day when I came out of building in the city and I could feel a mist descending. I was sure that we were having our first rain shower but no, it was just the window washers hosing down one of sky scrapers close by!! So for now we must make do with the show that is put on in the Marina Mall every day. They have an area of the mall that where the ceiling is painted with clouds and twice a day there is a thunder and lightening show and “rain” falls from the ceiling. Its funny to watch the small local children gaze up at the ceiling to watch a show that they probably have never seen in real life!! We on the other hand could stand and give lectures on percipitation!! We nearly miss the raindrops…………..nearly being the operative word!!!

On first impressions the second place were that it looked to be kind of classy and up-market, though once your eyes adjusted to the dimmed lights, it became clear it was actually full of hookers, hanging out at the bar, leeching on to any man that dared approach!! I know Chris said it was Ladies Night, but I just assumed it was free drinks for the girls, not expensive sex for the boys!

We ventured into the dhisco for one more before we made for home, where there was a pretty good live band playing. But as it was a school night for the girls we didn’t stay too long. On the way out there was two guys getting into a new Porsche Boxter. I might have made a comment to the effect that it was a girls Porsche, whereby the driver stuck the boot to the floor, leaving nothing but rubber and smoke behind as he did 0-100mph in 4.9 seconds! He told me!!!

I was all set for a quiet night on Thursday but then the girls came back with two VIP tickets for the Opening Gala of the International Film Festival in the Emirates Palace Hotel. They had been out viewing apartments in the afternoon and some Sheik or wannabe Sheik, I dunno, asked them to go with him to the event. When they mentioned the word “husband” he decided not to bother coming with us. We were a bit anxious that two tickets might be two to few to get the four of us in, but we decided that nothing ventured is nothing gained!

So we dolled up, grabbed a taxi and headed for the “palace”. Its the most expensive hotel ever built, at a cost of over one billion dollars. The lobby is litteraly plated with gold, I’ve got a tv cable that is gold plated, they’ve got an entire hotel lobby! We started to feel a little out of place when our 15 year old taxi pulled in at reception, between a Bentley convertible and a brand spanking new Lamborghini. I was tempted to start dangling my keys and announce that we were just here to pick up the cars from last night! Its that big that the porters go around in golf buggeys……….inside the hotel! They probably have helicoptors to escort guests around the grounds!

Here is just one picture that sums up how “golden” the place is!

The maids quartes at the palace!

Its worth a look at the pictures at their website – http://www.emiratespalace.com/en/home/index.htm

We missed the start of the film so we did what any respectable Irish person would do and hit the bar in the marquee! It was full of entourages and It people floating around looking important. We ended up drinking a bottle of wine each before we realised that we weren’t in the VIP area and ended up having to pay for the wine. We only realised this when everybody else had left at about 10.30pm. We thought the whole thing was over until the bar man informed us that the real party was around the corner, though Brendan did coax a free glass of wine out of the barman for us all.

We passed through two security checks without any fuss and sailed into the main event. Not that I was looking, but the first thing to catch me eye was the 400 yard long buffet table! There was so much food on display and it was constantly being replenished and freshly cooked in front of our eyes. It took the other three a few minutes to convince me that it would be inappropriate to pull up a chair and sit the far side of the buffet tables and dig in! I suppose they had a point, though my mettle was tested when I came across the lady making fresh crepes, we had a moment me and her!!

In between giving an exhibition on eating, we practically had to fight off the waiters bringing glasses of champagne and wine. And its not often you can say that about us!!

When we eventually had our fill of food we decided to take a stroll around the party. We came across a section that was cordened off with red rope and red carpet, with big plush couches. The guy at the entrance was so pre-occupied trying to chase some guy that was sneaking in that he never even saw us as we strolled in by him. So here we were, right slap bang in the middle of the VIP area of VIP area. The place was awash with paparazzi snapping all the Bollywood and Middle Eastern stars. Demi Moore was knocking around somewhere but we didn’t get to see her. She probably couldn’t stay out in the heat too long in case all that plastic in her body started to melt.

Once we literally could no longer manage another drop of wine or champers we decided it was time for the nightclub! Along the ”16 mile trek” we came across the red carpet walkway where the celebs get their pictures taken. We made the most of the free space and jumped in front of the backdrops for some pics!

We might need some practise to make the "posing" look a bit more natural!!!

Adding a bit of glamour to the occasion were............members of The Irish Royal Family

Not sure too many people bought that story but we did talk a few paps into taking our picture, something for them to instantly delete later!!

I never miss an opportunity to work out, even on social occasions………….

1001,1002,1003, Ohh its the deep burn, Oh its so deep.....I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand!

I would like to reiterate the amount of free drink we had consumed at this stage!

The queue for the night club was really long so we made our way to the Cigar Bar. We met a Scottish guy at the door with two of his Indian friends so we joined them for a drink. Well as it turns out we let them buy us drink for the remainder of the night!  Carol was once again the only one to remember anything of the latter stages but the holy all of it boils down to us being asked to leave by a Sheik followed by over the top apologies for insulting his race, religion and cultures by our drunkedness. We may not be here too long.

The following week we did our Wednesday/Thursday night double again. Myself and Carol had been invited to an evening for the Irish Business Networking Society. Now as Alan Duffy recently put it when trying to describe me to a colleague, 

 ”basically I had to admit that you’ve practically been on tour sending funny emails for the last 4 years!  Every now and again things have went terribly wrong for you and you’ve lost your way and  ended up in gainful employment.”

So you can imagine my consternation at being put into a room full of potential employers!! Even with the powerful air con in the Sheraton, I was developing Smokeyesque dinner plates around the armpits!!

I eventually talked Carol into retreating to the bar! Now obviously the fear of finding work had affected my thinking as I should have known where every single memeber of the IRISH Business Networking Soceity would end up!! It turned out to be a great night. Brendan and Linda came down and we met in with some really good Irish sorts, which resulted in a late night finish.

On Thursday we took part in the local GAA Clubs table quiz. We happened to be sitting beside the Mallons, who we had spent the previous night drinking with. We had hoped for a nice quiet introduction into the Irish scene and hopefully meet some like minded individuals for some fun and friendship!! Rory Mallon put paid to that notion by changing one of our incorrect answers in the first round and letting us know that he expected the favour returned. Seven rounds, six bottles of beer and one spectacular display of corruption later, the announcement that Team Mallon were first, followed closely by the “The Newbies”, ie us, left us clear in the knowledge that tampering with results is not the done thing here!!! Team Mallon were disqualified due to having eight team members instead of four, so here we were, brand new in the city, walking away with the top prize and less credibility than a Chinese Olympic squad. Might give the next GAA event a miss!

I’d like to say the reason we didn’t get out of bed til 5pm the next day was due to the shame of our cheating but I think it had more to do with the celebratory cocktails we enjoyed on the rooftop pool  bar afterwards. Funnily enough none of our Irish GAA compatriots were rushing up to join us!!

So any notions we had that drinking was going to be difficult over here have been replaced with the knowledge that only the hangovers are worse. It may not be the party town that is Dubai, but we are looking forward to being part of the process in changing all that over the next few years!!

And speaking of meeting people for fun and friendship, I was surprised to see advertisements on the local online autotraders magazines for meeting local girls. At the top of the ad it says “Meet girls”, then as you scroll down there is a picture of a beautiful local lady, with the caption at the bottom, “for Dating and Marriage”! Whoaaa there boy. No such thing as dating and fun here, no sirree, dating and marriage!! I wonder is that just the one date before you find yourself tying the knot or do you get a couple of dates in first?? The single lads around here would want to be very careful about coming home a little worse for wear and logging on, feeling a bit lonely and signing up for some internet dating!!! Before you know it, instead of buying yer one a bag of chips on the way home from the flicks, your stopping off at Tiffanys for a diamond ring and Hickeys fabrics for a big black sheet!!

They might have lightened up on drink around here but some things are going to take a big longer to change!

When we did drag ourselves out of bed at 4.30pm the sun was already beginning to set so we showered, changed and made our way out to the big bad world. However, we didn’t have a great start to our first venture out as the elevator ride on the way down kind of freaked me out. There is a MELD sign on over the doors, maybe they have them at home but I don’t recall ever seeing one. MELD stands for Mitsubishi Emergency Landing Device. Now it’s all well and good that there is one but it got me to thinking of the situation when you might need one. What kind of a device is going to keep you safe in a flimsy metal box that is free falling from the 11th floor? Is it some sort of bungee rope attached to the top that bobs the elevator up and down til the fire that caused the problem in the first place burns you alive?? Or maybe it’s a little parachute that when deployed floats you down to the bottom floor. Maybe the elevator drops out a foamy sponge like material which cushions the fall when you hit the bottom. What ever they have in mind, I’m sticking to the way I developed many years ago to overcome falling elevators, just before the elevator hits the bottom, jump! That way you are kept safe in the vacuum between the crushed bottom and top of the elevator. Sounds as plausible as all those other options anyway. In fairness, the elevator is still a safer option than facing the inevitable heart attack if I attempted to climb the stairs to the 11th floor anyway!

So after the cold sweat in the elevator I almost welcomed the heat in the evening air. Sweltering still at 6pm, we decided not to go too far. I was glad of the multi-coloured patterned shirt (I know, it sounds beautiful) for its sweat hiding qualities as I was soaking after about 2 blocks of gentle strolling!!

The main benefit of such a cosmopolitan city for me is always going to be the diversity of restaurants available. We dropped into a “friendly” little Lebanese spot for dinner. The food was grand, can’t go to far wrong with kebabs in my eyes anyway, but the 12 lads serving us left a lot to be desired. A lot of grandmothers must have died for that many long faces and sour pusses!

As we strolled back towards the hotel it was very amusing to watch the men on the street gaping at Carol. It would be better to say that they were astounded by her flowing red curls and fair skin but it would also be an absolute lie. Men were straining their necks trying to get a look at her chest. That’s the last time she is going to go out in a bikini, that’s for sure!!!!

The streets at night are full of men, with very few women out and about. To be fair, they don’t come across as intimidating or threatening, more curious, than anything. I guess if the majority of the women they see are covered head to toe in a black sheet, then ya can’t really blame them for trying to get an eyeful of the chestular region even if it is covered by a t-shirt and dress!! At one set of lights as we waited to cross the street, one man, Indian I’d say, was looking around him, he realized he was standing beside a western lady and jumped about 3 feet to one side as if he was after coming into contact with the devil herself!! So if that’s anything to go by Carol will be safe enough on the streets here!

On Saturday we lazed around again, still jet lagged, and decided that one day without alcohol was enough. We looked up the Irish bar, PJ O’Reillys and made tracks! Carol wasn’t a bit surprised to find that dinner time clashed with the Man Utd v Sunderland by pure and utter coincidence and funnily enough it was on in the bar on eight screens! The luck of the Irish I say!! Though we’d have been better off watching the World Tiddly Winks Competition than watch that pitiful performance by Utd.

To say my first pint on Emeriti soil was disappointing would be an enormous understatement! I was too busy looking at the food menu to watch the barmaid but the pint was at least two days old and half full of 7-up! I was kind of afraid to complain because I wasn’t sure if this was normal for UAE pints and also as it’s the only Irish bar, I didn’t really want to be causing a fuss on my first visit!! The second one was much better though so all was forgiven!

Sunday was a monumental day for the Abu Dhabian Glynn family! Carol did “our” first days work in seven months!!! Jumping ship from PwC to E&Y was a big move for Carol but by the sounds of it she didn’t have much time to dwell on the fact! She was immediately handed her 91 client portfolio and plunged straight into client meetings and trying to locate her staff who were busy hiding out in a clients premises! Carol had been warned that staff can be very quick to test the boundaries but those two boys are going to find out that those boundaries are closer to ping pong table dimensions rather than golf course sized parameters next week!

Meanwhile back at the hotel, I was taxing myself with the arduous duties of waking up before lunch time and finding the English speaking channels on the tele!! I also managed to the remnants of CV together and check out the property sections of the local magazines and websites.

In between that heavy schedule I also created a new personal best in gym attendance, three consecutive days, which beats the previous record of three times in one month! And for all you doubters, I did more than look in the window while struggling with the weight of carrying around my stash of chocolate chip muffins.

There is another Irish couple staying in the hotel. Linda started work in E&Y the same day as Carol, while Brendan and I get to hang out by the bar, putting out the vibe all day! We knew that they were coming over before we left and I was hoping for another “fat paddy” to help take the limelight off me on the local beaches. No such luck! Turns out he is a fitness instructor and a qualified personal trainer. Lovely!!

I’ve tried to convince him that he should take me on as a project, pro bono. If he could get me in shape there wouldn’t be a gym in the country that could turn him away!! Though I think he may have an eye for lost causes, and in fairness I wouldn’t want to put such hardship on anyone!

It has been great having them around for company and they are a great laugh.

We’re starting to find our feet here too, the city is appearing smaller as we find our barings. We are becoming more accustomed to seeing people in the national dress and to be honest it is pretty cool. They locals are really like Arabian princes and princess. The men look regal in their pristine long white tunics and head scarves, the correct terms for which are dish-dash-ah, shumagg and ogal. Anyone that can get away with wearing a garment called a dish-dash-ah deserves a pat on the back in my book.

For women, there are so many different types of dress. There aren’t a huge amount of ladies completely covered or just visible around the eyes. Most women are uncovered around the face. The dresses are often very ornate too with very detailed and coloured trimmings. They are always done up to the nines and very accessorized!!

The women who choose to be completely covered are a little scary looking!! You can’t see any part of them, they move so gracefully that it is almost like watching a ghost glide along the street. They remind me a bit of the demontors in Harry Potter but without the soul destroying abilities, so hopefully we won’t get hauled off to Azkaban any time soon!!

Over the next few months and years I’m sure we will come to learn all of the local customs and traditions, for now though we’ll have to try not to gape and stare too much even if the locals don’t always return the favour!!

As different as it may seem, it could turn out to be an altogether safer option than the other three. Moving to China would have resulted in our eating Chinese food everyday, granted it would probably be just called food but none the less I am more than willing to admit I have consumed more than my fair share of Chicken Kung Po over the years and it has not done much to convince me of that I could live a healthy balanced lifestyle out east that didn’t include copious amounts of spring rolls, shredded chilli beef and spare ribs. Opening a caravan park in Oz can have disastrous consequences. Just ask Tom Fletcher; a man could literally go to bed one night with his wife of several years only to awaken the next morning to discover she was now blonde and completely different looking . Thank God I didn’t marry a woman named Pippa. And lets face it, I would never be able to outrun a hungry bear in the Canadian wilderness after all those Chinese dinners!!

So Abu Dhabi it is. While I was living pipe dreams based on nothing but whimsical notions that floated in and out of my head within mere minutes of each other, Carol was busy furthering her career, doing a CV and actually getting around to sending it to recruitment agencies. Turns out this is one of the more productive ways of getting a job. Who knew???

When she notified me that she had an interview for a job in Abu Dhabi, I must admit I had to consult a map to find out where it was. I was aware it was “out there” somewhere but “out here” is quite large as it turns out. Wikipedia was able to fill me in on the nitty gritty. Capital state of the United Arab Emirates, down the road from Dubai, very hot, lots of sand and oil, oh yeah and the consumption of alcohol is a little complicated. Instantly I felt a repulsion rising in my bones which surprisingly had nothing to do with the drinking issues. Our new home country is associated with not only Arsenal but now Manchester City. I was instantly afraid that I would be forced to renege my beloved Manchester United and instead pledge allegiance to the blue of city (small “c” fully intentional, money will never make you big). Once it had been confirmed that I could remain a Red however, it was full steam ahead.

Sometimes the quick decisions are the best ones. After doing an interview on Tuesday and Wednesday, Carol had an offer on the table by Thursday morning. We had the weekend to consider it. I think Carol was pretty happy to accept on the basis that it was at least something concrete and not another one of my hair-brained plans that may or may not involve time travel and/or moon walks.       

In the end, due in no small part to the ineptitude of a HR manager in E&Y, we got little more than two weeks notice to get our asses in gear and get out here. It was probably what we needed after several months taking it easy and the days flew by as we packed away the winter woolies for safe keeping and dragged out the formerly redundant summer gear, it’s amazing how many kilos a girl can rack up in bikinis, sarongs and flip flops!!!

As excited as we were to be starting a whole new adventure, we knew it was going to be a horrible few days before we left, to quote a great role model of mine, Lloyd Christmas in Dumb & Dumber……

                                                                                                ”I hate goodbyes”.

While our soon to be compatriots were enduring Ramadan out here, we did our best to numb our brains by having a few/several/dangerously large amounts of drinks every night for the seven nights before we left. However, as we approached the last few days it was obvious that there was going to be a few tears shed. It doesn’t matter whether its parents, siblings, grandparents, nieces or just good friends, and even if you know it will only be a matter of months before you see them again, goodbyes are never easy. It’s hard to fathom how people in times gone by managed to leave with the knowledge that they would probably never see their homeland or families ever again. I’d love to be able to say that my tears were really my bodys’ rejection of excess volumes of Heineken and white wine but I don’t think anybody is going to buy that, especially those who actually saw me babbling like a little girl that just had her scrunchie stolen in the school playground, Mr & Mrs Hanley certainly did not need to witness that!!

It didn’t help either when Carols’ two year old nieces were tugging at the heartstrings. Amy was waving from the car seat, saying “love you, see you later” while Ciara was trying to hop into the back seat of our car to come with us for the drive!! She’d have bitten off more than she bargained for if we had of let her come with us!!!

With the goodbyes over and done with, the roads clear and safe from the threat of further flash flooding, we eventually hauled our 115kgs of baggage into the departures terminal hoping and praying we would be let on the plane. As we didn’t have work visas obtained at this stage it was going to be tricky trying to explain to customs that we were just heading out for the weekend with that amount of luggage!! There was little or no fuss however and we even managed to have a coffee with Francy before making for the gate.

Carlsberg don’t do airlines but if they did they would be called Etihad!! Our only complaint with the 7 hour overnight flight was that it was too short!! With 78 movies, 142 TV shows and 36 games to choose from, it was a dilemma trying to decide what to watch! There was a choice of three different meals (when I saw the menu first, I thought we were getting chicken, vegetarian lasagna and lamb koftas) and four types of wine dinner was good, specially the little cherry torte for dessert! If this was the standard of living we were going to be getting used to then it was worth the emotional goodbyes!!

We touched down at the 7am on Friday morning to clear blue skies and sunshine. It looked glorious from the safety of the air conditioned terminal but stepping out onto the pavement conjured images of what it might be like to step behind a fighter jet as it fires the engines to take off!!

Abu Dhabi may be the land of camel milk and honey, it may be have gold paved streets or just gold plated hotel foyers, it may be full of opportunities and opulence or it could be restrictive and obedience orientated, it may be the land where the oil flows like cheap beer and beer is as scarce as Irish oil. It may be all of these things and it may turn out to be none of them but there are two things I can be sure it is at this stage, f**king hot and for now……………home sweet home.